We’ve got good news and bad news for you, dear reader! The good news? We’ve compiled this list of delicious regional pizzas that you just have to try before you die! The bad news? Your doctor has told us in no uncertain terms that you’ll be giving up the ghost soon so time is of the essence.
Detroit style pizza is characterized by it’s thick deep-dish crisp crust that comes from the dough being twice baked to a chewy medium-well-done state with toppings added on top of the sauce and cheese. This is the perfect pizza for coming to terms with your own mortality as it will hold its form as you choke back the tears that would make a less substantial slice collapse under their weight plus the thick bread won’t be overwhelmed by the salinity of your tears.
New York Style:
A classic! This large, thin slice is perfect for folding in half and being eaten as you ball yourself up into the fetal position. You’ll enjoy the bittersweet simple pleasure of tomato sauce, cheese and basil while you examine how you over-complicated your life with things like work, status and money while ignoring what was really important. Grab another slice as you ponder all the mistakes and wasted opportunities that make up what is left of your fast fading life and transition into worm food. What lies beyond the grave? Are you going to eat that last piece?
Different from Detroit in that Chicago style pizza is a caloric dream (or nightmare, depending on how your coffin fitting went) layered with cheese and toppings like lasagna. The sauce is on top to prevent the cheese and toppings from burning during the pie’s long date with the oven. Speaking of ovens? Have you considered cremation? It’s better for the environment and your family thinks it would be a more affordable option and would free up some money to serve top shelf hooch at your wake instead of that swill you made them endure at your 2nd wedding. How is Cathy anyways, you still making alimony payments?
This style popularized by celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck is for the more health conscious Californian so why would you bother ordering it when you know certain death lingers at every second? Because you don’t want to go to your grave having missed out, that’s why! Unfortunately, after half a slice you’ll say “eh” and realize you just wasted one of your final meals. Fool.
Save this one for last. If you don’t make it this far you won’t feel too bad. It’s basically a tostada with extra cheese. May you rest in peace and not mind that I’ll be taking that last slice.