Report: Americans Poised to Shatter Record for Hours Spent Gazing Longingly at Old Calendars in 2016


Remember when?

If you’ve visited eBay and searched for old calendars lately you might be surprised by the asking prices of old date books as well as wall and desk calendars from yesteryear. Calendars, even plain ones and not just the typically collectible ones, are going for big bucks these days as Americans grow more nostalgic than ever to try and capture part of a simpler past.

In fact, the United States Census Bureau who keeps track of these things Tweeted earlier today that they are predicting that the number of hours Americans will spend just longingly staring at old calendars in 2016 will brake previous year’s records before the Thanksgiving holiday. Census czar Tobey Linting estimates that record voter burnout from the election, post election hate crimes, multiple celebrity deaths, innocent police being shot, police shooting the unarmed, gorillas being shot, Brexit, natural disasters, lead drinking water, Facebook family fights, Twitter harassment, unchecked pussy grabbing, record warm temperatures and all sorts of other depressing shit has driven Americans to turn off their minds and blankly stare at a list of simpler days, weeks and months.

The most valuable of these artifacts of yore are personal calendars with whimsical daily tasks like “Root canal – 9 AM,” “Taxes due,” and “Prepare last will” scribbled into the days. If you kept dutiful notes like these that chronicled your daily activities from before the endless pain of 2016 descended upon us you could be in for a cash windfall on the secondary market.


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