Retail stocks soared following a dire warning from the White House’s Stephen Miller threatening Americans who do not bestow the “perfect” gift to President Trump this Presidents Day.
Miller addressed citizens of the United States in a prerecorded message that aired earlier today sternly saying, “Time is running out for you lowly peasants. President Trump will be respected and you will offer a tithing on his sacred day of honor, Presidents Day. It is his day alone. His divine will shall not be questioned, he will not accept gift cards or cash or books or anything that would bore him. If the gift does not require forethought and at least 10% of your annual take-home pay it is not worthy of a man without peer. It is not Trump worthy.
“Lord Trump will offer no quarter for late gifts, consider this a warning that there will be no USPS services on Sunday in honor of your one true God and Monday in honor of your one true leader, The Donald. If you must fly, drive or hitchhike to present your tribute on time so be it, that is not the President’s problem. If you miss the deadline rest assured you will rue the day. Remember, you live in this country at the pleasure of the president and your citizenship can be revoked at a stroke of his pen, your tax rate is set by his decree and it can go up or down at his whim and it is within his infallible authority that he can order a tactical nuclear strike on any home on planet Earth at the simple snap of his gigantic fingers. We will hunt you cheapskates down, we will extract revenge and we will get the George Foreman Grill, the one that zaps the fat away, that the president so desperately deserves.”
Miller said the President has set up an Amazon President’s Day Gift Registry. We visited the link and posted some of the more notable items below. Remember any items purchased via these links, even if they’re not for Trump or the item shown, goes towards This Should Be the News’ investigative reporting: