David Dao, the doctor who paid for, boarded and was savagely ripped from his United Airlines seat has been dealt yet another tragic blow by the monopolistic hammer of American capitalism’s respect for the consumer today when he was forced to book a return flight on, hold on to your lunch, Spirit Air.
With few flight options that would get him home to Elizabethtown in time to make his appointments, no desire to remain in Chicago any longer, an open wound and reporters hounding him for a comment Dr. Dao did the unthinkable – he walked up to the Spirit Air kiosk and asked if there were any flights home.
Clouds shrouded the sun and brought darkness upon the desk as he struggled to find the words to make that fateful request, knowing he was sacrificing time for a fate worse than a United bouncer thrashing him about like a bag of moldy tangerines lay ahead in the fuselage of that run down yellow tube full of 3 dollar waters, barefoot salesmen and yoga pants in peril of bursting at their spandex seams.
But Dr. Dao is a man of his word. He told his family that he’d be home for dinner, he told his patients he’d share the results of their STD test today, he was not going to eat at the O’Hare Airport TGIFridays one more fucking time – he was going home even if it meant a trip through Hades on the River Styx or a ticket on Spirit. The good doctor surrendered his ID and credit card to the desk agent who pulled out a piece of carbon paper, put the card in the large manual imprinter and “kerclunk.” He was now a Spirit customer. He said a prayer to himself as he entered the jet bridge, the sound of crying babies, fighting Maury Povich guests and unnecessary service animals howled over his inner most thoughts. We have video of the flight in Sardine Class but it’s too graphic to share. Godspeed, Dr. Dao and screw you, United Airlines and the Department of Transportation for allowing such nonsense to befall customers you’ve already digitally strip searched like imported meat, made to stand in pointless lines for hours on end and treated like terrorists because some jackasses once tried to unsuccessfully blow up their shoes and undergarments.